This is part 7 of my SAO fanfiction. You can start with Part 1 here.
Kirito headed to his usual chair at the bar of his favorite hangout, the Dicey Cafe. It was a perfect hangout spot for Kirito, since he was such a dicey, handsome and dangerous man in black. It was only two in the afternoon, but Kirito needed a drink. He wasn’t legal age yet, but he looked so badass that no one cared.
The bartender handed Kirito a drink, but also a more powerful drug: ALfheim online, the sequel to Sword Art Online. Kirito had just gotten out of his crippling addiction to Sword Art Online, which he had played every waking moment for the last two years. This was the last thing Kirito needed.
But he had to go. His e-waifu needed him. It turns out, she had been spirited away by fairies. Kirito needed to win her back. It was time to make some fairy dust.
There was only one problem.
Combat depends on the player’s athletic ability. And Kirito hadn’t even finished therapy from his two years in a comatose state.
Even worse, five people had flown in a tower to reach Asuna’s birdcage. They had gotten close enough to take a picture, but hadn’t reached it. If Kirito could make six friends, they could reach Asuna, no problem.
Kirito knew he would never make six friends, so he’d have to go with the backup plan: piercing everything with his giant sword. It might not be the most effective strategy, but it would get the job done faster than making friends.
Kirito would start off at level 0, but he wasn’t worried. A game where you can die is too easy, he thought to himself.
And in this game, you could fly and grow elf ears. That was kind of dumb. It didn’t exactly fit Kirito’s badass image. But, you could still pierce things with swords, just like in SAO. It’s dumb, but pretty smart, Kirito decided.
When Kirito got home, Imouto was sitting on the porch, sucking a popsicle up and down in her mouth while staring intently at a picture of Kirito. Her left hand fiddled between her legs.
“Imouto, where’d you get that popsicle? I want one too. It’s pretty big, but not as big as my sword,” interrupted Kirito.
Imouto started choking on her popsicle. “Help me, Onii-san!” she screamed with the little breath she could muster.
Kirito laughed. “I’ll get one from the freezer.”
When he came back, Imouto was still alive. “Imouto… I’m going to rescue Asuna.”
“That’s great, Kirito. I want to meet her, too. Then I can show you who makes a better sparring partner for your massive sword.”
“Imouto, I’m no longer interested in human women. Only elves do it for me anymore.”
“Fine, Onii-sama no baka! I’ll become an elf, then you’ll marry me!” Imouto ran off crying.
Now that the distraction was gone, Kirito went into his room and laid down in bed. He put back on his trusty companion, the Nerve Gear. It was the truest friend he had ever had.
Kirito was asked to select a character. The choice was obvious. Kirito chose the fairy in black, who looked nearly as manly as Kirito himself.
Kirito spawned in the middle of a forest, near a stream. He checked to see if he could log out. He could. Phew. He had been a bit worried after putting on his defective nerve gear a second time. But he wasn’t willing to lay down a few hundred dollars for the upgraded safety features of the new version. It wasn’t worth it. What could possibly go wrong?
Kirito checked his inventory. Only one of his items had carried over. It was Yui! Kirito used the item.
A wild Yui appeared! “Daddy!!!” it cried. Yui used tackle.
“Yui! I missed you so much! That’s why I completely forgot about you for so long and didn’t try to resurrect you. But forget about that, it doesn’t matter. We need to save mommy! She’s been trapped by elves in a giant birdcage!”
“Ok, daddy, let’s go! Yui loves to drink pixie juice.”
“Wait, let me check my stats… hey, this is weird! My stats all carried over from Sword Art Online! Why’s that?”
“Let me check, daddy… Hm. It turns out ALFHeim online is exactly the same game as Sword Art Online, just it’s completely different! What a surprise!”
“This is horrible. I’m not a beater anymore. I’m just a cheater.”
“Daddy, do you want to save mommy, or do you want to masturbate about how good you are at videogames?”
“Well… hm…. that’s a difficult choice but… I guess I want to save mommy.”
“Then I’ll help you. Transform! Yui-chan, fairy form!”
“Oh, Yui, you look so cute! Let me touch you all over with my fingers.”
“Daddy… not there… it hurts! But it feels so good!”
Suddenly, Kirito and Yui heard the sound of gunfire and a girl screaming.
“Yui, it’s a damsel in distress! I have to rescue her, and see if my sword is as big as it was in Sword Art Online.”
“Good luck daddy! I believe in you!”
Kirito approached the sounds of battle. Several grown men in armor were surrounding a girl. “Hey, you bullies! Lances are good for thrusting, but they don’t give you as much leverage as swords. Let me show you how it’s done.”
One of the knights charged at Kirito, but Kirito caught the lance and stopped it with his finger tips. “Didn’t you guys know? Combat depends on the player’s physical ability. And I’ve been training my muscles 24 / 7 for the past two years by playing video games. Let me show you how it’s done.”
Kirito drew his sword and turned all the fairies into pixie dust. The mysterious elf woman who is definitely not Imouto let the pixie dust drip down Kirito’s sword and into her mouth. She swallowed it.
Continued in Part 8 — The Sinking of the Titania.