Thanks to an anonymous suggestion, I decided to start writing a Mahouka fanfiction. Better late than never.
“Ka-pow!” yelled Miyuki, as her curvaceous bottom, revealed by her elegant see-through school uniform, cast its spell. The terrorists fell down in utter terror before her magic. Only Tatsuya was immune to her charms.
“These are terrorists, right?” asked Erika.
“Meaning, we can kick their butts, no questions asked? Because that guy’s butt… looks pretty nice.”
“Of course,” answered Tatsuya in stride. “As long as they’re not students, no need to hold back. By engaging in terrorists activities, that makes them enemy combatants. They are not subject to the protections of the Geneva convention, which are only intended for prisoners of war.”
“Great!” said Erika. “I have this idea I want to try, where I strap them in bed and trickle water on them.”
“Knock yourself out. Miyuki did that with me once, it was fun.”
“But… but… isn’t that torture?” asked Miyuki, shocked. “I mean, with you it’s different, Onii-sama, but with people you don’t even know…”
“Torture?” laughed Tatsuya. “Torture is them waking up every day and knowing they’ll never amount to a tenth of the man I am. This is just an enhanced interrogation technique.”
“That’s a good point, Onii-sama. I’ll interrogate Mibu, you don’t need to worry about it.”
“You shouldn’t be too hard on Mibu,” Leo said. “It’s really tough for her. She wins all these kendo awards, but when it comes to magic, she’s not the best in the world, only the second best. It’s easy to understand how she could be tricked into thinking equality is right.”
“Yes,” Tatsuya replied, “But Leo… You won’t be the only one getting hurt thanks to misplaced sympathy. Mibu is a terrorist. This is the path where demanding ‘equality’ inevitably leads.”
“In a way, it is our fault though. We shouldn’t have let these Weeds get so uppity in the first place. You hand them a glimmer of self-respect, and look what happens. They think they should get a seat on the student council, and get some teachers at school, and have the gall to think they can get away without treating their betters with the proper deference. Appeasement never works. That’s what we tried against Hitler and look where that left us.”
“You’re right, as always, Onii-sama. By the way, why are we heading to the library?” asked Miyuki.
“Come on, Miyuki, you’re not an idiot. Why do you think all this fuss about ‘inequality’ started in the first place?”
“Ummm… because Weeds like you are being oppressed?”
“Don’t pretend to be dense. I’m only a Weed because this system isn’t meritocratic enough.”
“It’s all a cover for Chinese spies to steal our superior Japanese technology from the school library.”
“Oh! Of course. I’m just teasing, Onii-sama.”
As they headed inside, Tatsuya used his magic X-ray vision to detect where all the enemies were waiting in ambush. Instead of ambushing their ambushers or avoiding them, Erika immediately jumped out and challenged them to a head on fight.
“Just leave this to me!” Erika began to fight a two on one battle that pushed her to the fullest extent of her abilities.
“Very well,” Tatsuya answered her determination. He and Miyuki calmly floated up to the second story and left Erika behind with two terrorists.
“Umm, onii-sama… shouldn’t we like… helper her or something?” asked Miyuki a few minutes later.
“Of course not. If Erika wants to prove herself and not be like those other, worthless Weeds, she needs to be able to pick herself up by her own bootstraps. Just like I did.”
“But you’re also a Weed, onii-sama…”
“Only because the evaluation system is poorly calibrated.”
They continued walking to the library reading room, where they found Mibu.
As expected, the Chinese spies were stealing cutting edge research materials.
“Now we can finally access this country’s cutting-edge research materials!”
“Holy crap! Is that guy drinking his sister’s piss? Chinese `research material’ is nothing like this!”
“Tatsuya!” Mibu gasped in surprise.
“I can’t believe it, but I can’t say I’m surprised, Mibu. As soon as you started talking about equality I knew this would happen. You are a traitor, Mibu. You leaked classified materials to the enemy. Countless innocent people may die from this. I thought you were smarter than this. And you led the enemy… straight into the high school library, where the classified materials are stored!”
“Even worse…” added Imouto, “You talked to my brother alone in the library! There’s no way any malicious intent towards my brother could escape me.” She prepared to deliver the killing blow.
“I, I… it’s… I just wanted to be treated equally…” Miyuki begged for her life.
“If there was a world of equality, where talent and aptitude didn’t matter,
we would all be equally snubbed there.”
“Um… are you a fucking idiot?” asked Mibu. “Nobody ever said anything about talent and aptitude not mattering. I just don’t want to be treated like a second rate citizen because I wasn’t born into the aristocracy of magic.”
“Yes, he is a fucking idiot,” answered Miyuki. “To think he would be equally snubbed in a world of equality?!!! I would love my brother more than anyone in any world!”
“I would still give him the same love and respect that I always have. Onii-sama, I think tonight is a good night for some waterboarding.”
“Er, putting that aside,” interrupted Tatsuya, “This is the reality of that sweet-sounding ideal that someone else whispered to you. If everyone were treated equally, then no one would work and everyone would be equally poor. If we try to wipe out discrimination, then the terrorists win.”
“Um, Tatsuya… do you have ears? Have you ever listened to a single word I said? Are you saying that trying to wipe out discrimination was a mistake?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. But it’s not discrimination, it’s distinction!”
“I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” said Tatsuya, pulling out his magic gun. “But Mibu, I feel sorry for you.”
“Wasn’t there anyone in your life who acknowledged you? Obviously not, because the only reason anyone would ever want something as silly as equality is because they have never been loved by anyone.”
“Why did you need equality anyway?” asked Tatsuya. “You aren’t completely worthless like most people other than myself.”
“Onii-sama is right,” helped Miyuki. “You have your swordplay skills and your beauty.”
“They’re what make you attractive, and they define who you are, don’t they?”
“Um, no. Fuck you guys. You think that all a person is is their swordplay skills and their physical appearance? Seriously, fuck you guys. These Chinese pornographers or whatever the hell they are are better human beings than you two.”
“It looks like the negotiations have ended.”
“I thought you don’t negotiate with terrorists, Onii-sama.”
“Oh right, almost forgot. Anyway, it’s time for some enhanced interrogation techniques.”
“Just one more thing… in the end, no one despised you as a `Weed’ more than…”
“…you yourself. The reason we have discrimination is because of people like you. It’s the Weeds’ fault.”
“But not your fault, Onii-sama.”
“Of course not, I’m not a Weed, I’ve just been mislabeled.”
While they talked, Mibu walked out of the room. She had had enough. She heard the screams of the Chinese spies subjected to the enhanced interrogation techniques. Downstairs, she ran into Erika.
“Let’s fight!” said Erika.
“Sounds good. If you’re anything like those two, it’ll definitely be more productive than attempting to have a conversation.”
“Oh, good, you’re resisting arrest. Does that make this self-defense, then?”
“Well, not that I’m going to be making excuses like that… You’re a terrorist, so I can do whatever I want to you, and no one can stop me.”
Miku got her ass whooped. She was just a whiner. She wasn’t even the best at kendo. That should have been obvious, since she wanted equality. The only people who want equality are the people who suck at everything. Or Chinese terrorists.
Outside, the terrorist ringleader was confronted and threatened with more enhanced interrogation methods without being informed of his non-existent rights. This resulted in him being caught. The school was saved!
“So, why were you so foolish as to believe in equality?” asked Tatsuya.
“There was an incident in which I was discriminated against as a Course 2 student…”
“I asked a girl to advise me, but she just brushed me off.”
“Oh, that was me. I thought I told you that I wasn’t good enough to be your teacher.”
“Ha, discrimination. What a joke. We live in a post-discrimination society. If anything, we suffer from reverse discrimination, where the strong are oppressed by the weak.” Everyone nodded their heads sagely in response to Tatsuya’s words of wisdom.
“Tatsuya, please let me suck your enormous cock,” begged Mibu.
“Ok,” said Tatsuya, indifferently.
As Mibu cried and sucked his cock, Tatsuya made plans to attack the terrorist base by himself.
“I’m against it. We should leave non-school related issues to the police. This time they attacked the school so it was our problem to deal with by ourselves, but off-campus…” the president objected.
“The women can stay home,” said Tatsuya. “This is a man’s job.”
“We’re up against terrorists.”
“I will eradicate them all. We don’t need to involve the police in this.”
Outside, an underclassman offered to help.
“Senpai, please let me help! Terrorists have attacked my friends and community!”
“That’s not a good enough reason to risk your life.”
“They corrupted Mibu’s sword! Only I was supposed to do swordplay with her, not those filthy Chinese!”
“Ok, come with me. That’s a good enough reason to risk your manhood on.”
To be continued…
9 thoughts on “Mahouka 06 — John Yoo’s Memo”
Wait, was this fan fiction or a translation of the Light Novels?
You know, he calls it fan-fiction, but that’s exactly what happened, and more or less exactly how it’s been told.
And yes, I think that is the point. The Mahouka LNs read like fan-fiction?
Yeah, it’s a summary of the episode. I added a few more details that they left out, like Mibu sucking Tatsuya’s cock, but that’s just reading between the lines.
That was my favourite part.
I knew it would be.
It wasn’t really Mibu’s fault that she got taken in by the Chinese pornographers, I mean her whole character arc has just been building up towards the intense revelation that she’s just a silly little girl who like all women can’t really handle it when she tries to play with the big boys.
This is even funnier than the SAO stuff. This show inhabits a special realm of stupidity that not even the likes of Sword Art can obtain.
Yeah, I know, totally not her fault, womenfolk should just listen to superior Japanese men like Tatsuya.