Sword Art Online II 01 — Kirito vs. Dessert

This is part 18 of my SAO summary / fanfiction. You can start with Part 1 here.

An entire year had passed. A year since Kirito had freed Asuna from King Oberon in an epic dance battle that would be remembered down through the ages, and then chopped King Oberon up into tiny pieces while using cheat codes to maximize Oberon’s pain. Then he’d stabbed the evil King in the parking lot for good measure.

Since then, life had been good. Kirito had regular sword practice sessions with Asuna (she still couldn’t get over how massive his sword was) and stole peeks at Imouto’s fine behind while she did his laundry for him. But lately his ideal life had started to get old. Kirito was a hero, and heroes needed adventure.

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Kirito was on a date with Asuna, and she’d pointed out that he’d started wearing black again. Kirito had been the man in black. He’d overcome impossible odds and endless suffering to become the greatest warrior the world had ever known. He longed for those days to return, when anyone on the street, male or female, would stare at his sword in its holster in unconcealed envy, with the drool of desire dripping from their mouths. Now he was just an ordinary person, or as ordinary as someone as amazing as Kirito could possibly be.

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“Kirito-kun… what’s the difference between the real world and the virtual one?” Asuna asked.

Kirito was startled. He’d been distracted from their date, thinking of more important things, like video games.

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“The real and virtual worlds are only different in the amount of information…” Kirito answered. “When we practice swordplay, it feels more intense and wonderful in the real world, doesn’t it?”

“Really?” asked Asuna. “Your sword felt so much harder and massive in the virtual world. I like doing it there better.”

“Well… You can’t feel things like taste and sound as well in the virtual world. Yet.”

“Wow, Kirito-kun. How do you know so much about technology?”

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“I think I’m going to go from a player to a creator. I’m prepared. I’ve been frequenting a lot of tech forums, to study.”

“Wow, you’re so smart.”

“What about you, Asuna? What are you planning to do for the future?

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“Haha, what a silly question! I want to stay with you forever, Kirito-kun. And have your babies. One boy, one girl, and Yui.”

“Good. That was my plan too. Since you have such a high-level coking skill, you’ll be the perfect wife. Listen, I have to go. The police want to consult me for my technical expertise.”

Kirito met inspector Kikuoka in a coffee shop. He was Kirito’s best friend, the only person who had come to visit Kirito after he left his coma.

But now, he’d brought Kirito to a dangerous place, no doubt to humiliate the world’s greatest warrior. He’d brought Kirito to confront his worst enemy— dessert.

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Kirito quaked with fear. There were too many desserts, all coming to face and destroy him.

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The inspector told Kirito a long, boring story. Kirito scarcely paid attention as he waited in trepidation for his dessert to come. But Kirito perked to attention when the mysterious murderer was mentioned. He wore all black, just like Kirito. He had an awesome pose too. He seemed so cool. Kirito was a bit jealous. But best of all, was his sweet name! Death Gun! What a cool dude. Kirito wanted to play games with him and his sexy pistol.

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Finally, it was the moment of truth. Dessert arrived. Kirito was confronted with two delicious looking cakes. Kirito picked up his fork. He was afraid.

“Kikuoka-san, why are you telling me this?” asked Kirito. “I don’t see what this Death Gun has to do with me, aside from the fact that we’re both cool guys with good fashion sense.”

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“Well, I enjoy talking to you,” Kikuoka lied. Kirito grimaced. The strawberry shortcake clung to his teeth. He would get cavities if he didn’t brush carefully. “But mainly, I wanted to ask your opinion. How could Death Gun kill people in the real world— from a game?!”

“Well, if you have the right sensory inputs and outputs, a game is indistinguishable from the real world,” Kirito answered.

“That’s what I thought too. But we studied this problem, and there shouldn’t be anything in the game system that can cause a heart attack.”

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“It looks like you’ve done a lot of homework, Kikuoka-san,” replied Kirito. “You know nearly as much as I do from reading online forums. You could even become a Creator if you wanted to.”

“Why thank you, Kirito.” Kikuoka groaned inwardly. Kids. “Anywhere, there’s a favor I wanted to ask of you. Will you go win this gun shooting game so you can meet Death Gun and we can further research this problem?”

“Hmm. Actually, I’d love to meet him. He sounds cool. But why me?”

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“Because you’re the best person in the world at video games. You were the best player in the world at Sword Art Online and at Alfheim Online. So clearly you will also be the best at FPS games. And Death Gun only shoots the best players. In other words, he won’t shoot you unless you’re good. Probably.”

“Oh, great, well I won’t have to worry then,” said Kirito. “I’ll go look for him tomorrow.”

Kirito ordered some more dessert. He was a warrior, and warriors seek out and confront their enemies, even if they are afraid. But Kirito wasn’t afraid. His gun was taut with unspent energy. Practicing swordplay with Asuna wasn’t enough. He was a true man. He needed to release the boundless energy of his gun the only way he knew how— by playing video games. And Death Gun looked like a fine, handsome opponent to do some playing with.

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“Kikuoka, I’ve been thinking… about the shape of the castle in The Seed. It’s possible that its shape represented an axis of time and a place of shape. Because video games are indistinguishable from reality.”

“Yes, Kirito, I suspect you’re right. Creators like you are so sharp.” I’m pretty sure its shape represented the creator’s self-image of his own dick, Kikuoka thought.

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Next week: Kirito fires his gun at some mighty fine ass.

Continued in Part 19

15 thoughts on “Sword Art Online II 01 — Kirito vs. Dessert

  1. >I’m pretty sure its shape represented the creator’s self-image of his own dick, Kikuoka thought.

    Classic. I missed these. Keep ’em coming!

    1. Lol that was pretty funny. Sword Art Online could definitely use a smart character, no way it’s going to happen though. :/ The author isn’t smart enough to come up with things for him to say.

      1. or rather, the author would have neutered HK 47 into a flat one note I AR KRAZEE BECUZ I AR KRAZEE character ; complete with all of his ‘tactics’ being thwarted by Kirito’s PLOTZ ARMOR and OVER POWRZED HAXXOR SKILLZ!

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