Sword Art Online 10 — Kirito’s Courtship (NSFW)

Since Sword Art Online is basically a work of fanfiction, I thought I’d try my own hand at writing this episode. I’ll let you guys tell me which version is better. Don’t worry, I won’t be insulted if you like the show better than my retelling! Also, note that this is NSFW, but it’s not much worse than the actual episode.

Kirito and Kuradeel stand at attention before the commander’s desk, their erect swords gleaming in the morning sunshine that pours through the office window. The commander quickly leafs through a stack of papers, the only item atop his otherwise spotless mahogany desk. Running a guild is a difficult job. Sadly, it mainly consists of paperwork.

Finally, he pushes the papers aside and lifts his eyes.

“Gentlemen,” he begins, slowly massaging a grey lock of hair to the side. “You two came here to waste my time fighting over a woman?”

The two glance at each other angrily, then curtly nod. The commander sighs.

“Kuradeel, I assigned you to guard Vice-commander Asuna, not to molest her.” Kuradeel gulps and begins to protest, but before he can speak, the commander cuts him off. “And Kirito, you may not be familiar with the ways of the Blood Knights yet. But we have a way of settling fights here which you need to grow accustomed to. If you want her, take her with your blade, your two blades.”

Both nod and leave the room. Outside, they stop.

“Kuradeel, I challenge you to a duel! Asuna is mine!” Kirito declares. Finally he can get this creep away from Asuna.

“Kids these days…” Kuradeel mutters to himself. “Fine, if you insist. Twelve o’clock sharp at the 55th floor canyon.”

Before he can turn and storm away, Asuna steps out of the guild building. “Hey guys, I’m hungry. Who wants some lunch?”

Kirito and Kuradeel glare at each other. This is why they can’t get along.

“I’d be honored, Lady Asuna,” Kuradeel replies.

“Don’t you need to stand guard outisde, Kuradeel? It would be great if you could join us, but wouldn’t Asuna be in danger without you to stand guard?”

Kuradeel glares at Kirito, and sighs. “It’s a shame, Lady Asuna, but this newbie happens to be correct. I shall stand guard outside while you enjoy your lunch.”

“That’s too bad. I’ll bring you some leftovers though!” Asuna smiles.

Inside, Asuna prepares some tea and lunch. She and Kirito eat and make smalltalk. The time flows by quickly. Soon enough, it is almost noon, and it is time for Kirito to head out.

“Sorry, Asuna, I have to meet someone at noon. I’ll see you later.”

“Going to go “solo” again? Why can’t you party with me more? Are you sure you aren’t out meeting some other woman?” Asuna replies angrily. “Just when I thought you were starting to settle down. Hmph!”

“That’s not it. I’m actually doing my first job for the guild.”

“Oh, ok. But make sure to come back in time for dinner. Bye, Kirito!”

Kirito heads towards the canyon. It’s time. Only one man can do swordplay with Asuna, and this battle will decide who.

Kuradeel is already at the canyon. “Kirito, Asuna made this delicious tea for me. I’ll let you have some, since this is the last time you’ll eat Asuna’s cooking.” Kuradeel tosses a bottle towards Kirito.

“Well, it’s not going to be the last time, but since you’re offering, why not? Asuna’s maxed out cooking skills make for some delicious food.” Kirito takes a swig, and the bottle disappears in his hands. “Ok, let’s duel!”

Kirito reaches behind him for his swords— his DUAL swords— but finds he can’t lift them. “What’s this? My sword feels heavy somehow, like it’s stuck in its sheath with slime. Did I forget to clean my sword after the last time I did swordplay with Asuna…?”

But before he can try again and pull harder, his knees buckle from underneath him. “What… what’s going on?!!!”

Kuradeel steps towards him. “Ah, the young. So easy to fool. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the drink I gave you wasn’t Asuna’s cooking. It was my cooking! Which, since my cooking is at Level 0, is poison!”

Kuradeel steps towards Kirito, his grin revealing his building excitement. “Kirito, it’s time for some… swordplay.”

Kuradeel mounts Kirito, grabs his sword, and thursts it between Kirito’s legs. He saws it back and forth rhythmically. Since the poison is still in effect, Kirito offers no resistance. But he begins to sweat and pant heavily.

“How does it feel, Kirito, to be penetrated by my sword?! Soon, with you gone, Lady Asuna will be able to admire the naked steel of my blade as well. Don’t worry, she won’t miss you. I don’t know what she sees in you anyway. After all, my sword is so much more massive than yours.”

Kuradeel continues grinding, and is so enthused listening to Kirito’s moaning that he doesn’t notice someone walking up behind him. But his rhythm is interrupted when he hears crying behind him.

“Kirito…” Asuna sobs. “I, I… didn’t realize…”

“Lady Asuna, I can explain!” begs Kuradeel, falling to his knees in shame. “You are the only one who is worthy of matching my swordplay. This is—”

“No, Kuradeel. That is quite alright. Please continue. I just didn’t realize that Kirito was working so hard to protect me. He didn’t think dual swords was enough, so now he is learning to wield a third between his legs. Thank you for providing a sparring partner for his training. I wish it could be me, but I see he still doesn’t trust me enough…”

Kuradeel hesitates, confused. This wasn’t how he was expecting this conversation to go.

“Yes, Lady Asuna,” Kuradeel replies. He is enjoying this, after all. If he can’t have Lady Asuna— well, this isn’t so bad either. He grips the hilt of Kirito’s sword firmly in both hands.

But before he can begin grinding the sword between Kirito’s legs, Kirito’s body arches upwards in a violent spasm. The hilt of Kirito’s massive, erect sword enters Kuradeel’s mouth. A white liquid oozes out.

“Hah, take that!” whispers Kirito so Asuna can’t hear. “While you were distracted, the poison wore off. I put some poison of my own on the sword— teleportation poison!”

As Kirito finishes speaking, Kuradeel whisks away, turning into a mirage of disintegrating crystals. “He went to town to buy some potions,” Kirito answers Asuna’s questioning glance. “You know, after I put my sword in his mouth, he needs to take some precautions or he might catch some sword-transmitted diseases (STDs).”

“Oh,” Asuna giggles. “That’s why you should leave your sword in your sheath when you practice, silly.”

“Hey, Kirito… Thank you for doing so much for me. I’m so grateful… But why won’t you train with me? Do you not trust me enough…?”

“It’s not you, Asuna. It’s me. It’s just that the third sword is such a powerful technique. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s ok, Kirito. I’m strong. You can use your high-level swordplay skills on me.”

Before Kirito can protest, Asuna sits down on top of Kirito, and puts her hands on his shoulders. Still recovering from the effects of the poison, Kirito is too weak to push her off.

“Now, Kirito! Use your tri-blades!” shouts Asuna, her hips pushing into Kirito’s.

Suddenly, without warning, Kirito’s sword begins to rise. He tries to contain it to protect Asuna, but he can’t. It’s almost as if it’s straightening of it’s own power.  Fully upright, Kirito’s sword pierces Asuna, catching her unaware.

“Oh, Kirito….!” Asuna moans. “Your sword… is… inside me!” Tears streak from her eyes. “It hurts, Kirito, it hurts! This collision avoidance algorithm… this technique… it’s… inconceivable!”

“Kirito… Kirito! How can your sword be so massive!” Asuna pants. “It must be at least… seven liters! I don’t think I can contain it all!”

“No, I can’t say that… Kirito is counting on me! Kirito, push your sword in deeper! Deeper! Motto fukkaku!” shouts Asuna.

“Asuna… no… this is the only skill I’ve maxed! You might not survive! My special move is so powerful that even I can’t control it!” Kirito begs, slowly regaining control of his body. “Get off, now!”

But it’s too late. Asuna and Kirito scream in unison, then Asuna collapses on top of Kirito. “Kirito… your sword… it feels so good. Did Lizbeth make it?”

“No, Asuna… this sword… I smithed it myself, and made it hard and stiff with the power of my feelings for you.”

“Kirito, you… you really feel that way?”

Instead of answering, Kirito pulls Asuna close to him. His paralysis has worn off. He kisses Asuna deeply, and thrusts is tongue inside his mouth. Kirito’s kissing skill is level 73, since he did some practicing for this moment on frogs while he was soloing through the swamp on level 52. He hadn’t expected his practice to pay off this quickly, though.

After several minutes of tongue swabbing (it feels pretty great, although Kirito’s only other experience is on frogs) Asuna pulls back. “Kirito, we need to talk. Let’s go back to my house.”

They pull out their teleport crystals and disintegrate together, their pixellated transparent remains dancing and mingling together, united as one in perfect harmony.

“Sit down, Kirito,” Asuna says, pushing Kirito on the bed. “Wait here.”

Asuna heads to the corner of the room, and pulls out her menu.

She must be changing clothes, Kirito thinks to himself. I wonder what level her Apparel skill is. It must be pretty high. Girls always worry too much about their clothing, I still haven’t changed out of this cloak I won on the first floor… Hey, it doesn’t have holes in it, it’s still good.

Kirito peeks over at the corner of the room where Asuna fumbles nervously with the menu. It’s too bad the clothes in Sword Art Online change instantaneously so I can’t peek on her while she changes. How I miss the real world.

Eh?! Asuna, what are you doing?” Kirito jumps, startled, out of the bed. Asuna is wearing nothing but Sword Art Online’s default clothing: a set of underwear.

“Weren’t we going to do some more training? It’s hard if we’re restricted to our clothing. This is why I always wear such a loose dress. Come on, let’s practice. Hurry and get undressed, too, Kirito-kun.”

“What? But…! I didn’t mean…!”

“Are you saying I’m not as good a sword-fighting partner as Kuradeel?!”

“Well, no, not at all, but…”

“Well, then no objections! Off with your clothes! Vice-commander’s orders!”

Several months later…

Kirito looks at Asuna as she sleeps. For the past few months, they’ve been having daily training sessions and even living together. In that short time, they’ve increased over five levels together. Asuna’s defense skills increased so drastically that she can now bear the raw thrusts of Kirito’s sword without pain. But now, as she sleeps, she looks so utterly defenseless. She needs a man like Kirito to protect her.

As he reaches towards her to stroke her head, Asuna sits up in bed. She was only pretending to sleep to see what he would do.

“Kirito… I have something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“What is it, Asuna? I’ll do anything for you. You’re the only reason that I keep on fighting with this enormous sword.”

“Do you think it would be okay if we left the front lines for a bit? This is hard to say… but… I think… I’m pregnant!”

Kirito gasps, startled. He had heard rumors, but… he hadn’t quite believed the stories. Sword Art Online was an unbelievable world, but the rumors of children were hard to swallow. According to the rumors, children could be conceived if partners engaged in unprotected sparring.

“But… how…?! I was always careful to use my sheath when we practiced! It couldn’t be that you were training with another man behind my back, could it, Asuna?!”

“No, of course not. Your sword is the only one that can level me up, Kirito. You know that. I think it was the first time. You didn’t have your sheath with you then.

“Oh, Asuna… but this is so exciting! If we have a child, it will be able to help us in combat! We’ll be even stronger!”

“Kirito, I thought you… I didn’t think you would stay and take care of it!”

“Asuna… Let’s get married. I will protect you.”

“Oh, Kirito! I would love to! This is so romantic… now we’ll be able to share inventory space! I love you and your sword, Kirito!”

Continued in Part Two— A Happy Family

115 thoughts on “Sword Art Online 10 — Kirito’s Courtship (NSFW)

  1. Excellent fan fiction Stargeant!
    It was so well written. I could feel that you truly loved the characters you made and that while writing this, you no doubt wrote this as if you were there experiencing the sword thrusts yourself!
    Bravo!

    1. Of course. Sword Art Online is pretty much my favorite show of the year, as everyone knows. I really empathize with Kirito, he is just like me. I feel every wound that pierced his side!

  2. Funny how the very first fanfic of SAO that I read lambastes the the series that I love.

    I know this is a whole sarcastic jest towards the plot inconsistencies and failure of the series to meet some people’s expectations. But I can’t help but laugh at that and say “A job well done.” 😀

    1. Hey, just because I’m writing awful fanfiction doesn’t mean I’m not writing the best awful fanfiction that I can! Thanks for your support!

  3. @draggle good job with the fan fiction.now i guess they go to honeymoon in the side story after they will get married.also i wanted to tell you that in the next side story next 2 episodes there will be a bit of fanservice with asuna and kirito since they get married so i hope you can suffer a bit of fanservice.also prepere for some papa and mama words in the side story

    1. Excellent, it sounds like the next several episodes will be ripe fruit for more fanservice chapters! Maybe I can write my own novel

  4. Awesome fanfiction, mate. But next time, I want to see Asuna be the one dual wielding some hulking, manly dual swords so that she can shake everyone up and down! Maybe Kirito’s and Klein’s at the same time? Ooh, my imagination’s running wild!

  5. Kirito: “Oh, Asuna… but this is so exciting! If we have a child, it will be able to help us in combat! We’ll be even stronger!”

    Asuna: T-This isn’t “Conception” you dolt!!

    Anyway, great read though. Better than the real episode this week.

  6. Puff….Hahahah!! Here I thought you’lll writing about ep 10’s review, but it seems it turns out to be your fan-fiction based on the episode.
    It’s very funny, I never thought Kirito would ever think that, so did Asuna.
    Well done!

      1. Also, It’s just bring a tear in my eye that Asuna finally got the rank/acheivement of “waifu” I mean, ever since the the time where she can handle things herself that I was worried that she’ll dissappear off Otaku existence, but alas she acheived the rank! *claps* bravo!

  7. I would like to imagine that the third sword is a real sword (to avoid being mindf*cked) but still I was subjected to being mindf*cked. I’d rather make my own better conservative take on the episode’s story if my resources are sufficient for such.

    I typecasted you as a theologist after reading those KokoroCo posts (of which I love) but I saw this — which made me distrust myself since I didn’t see this happening.

    I can see what’s wrong with the episode and it breaks the stereotypes of males and females badly.

    …and so I laughed.

  8. “Oh, Asuna… but this is so exciting! If we have a child, it will be able to help us in combat! We’ll be even stronger!”

    Ahahahah best line! Seems like the logical step to winning the game right? Kirito and Asuna can repopulate the world xD

  9. Oh my god that was hilarious! It made my day. xD
    I don’t know what I should look forward more… the actual episode or all these funny comments/reviews/fanfics/etc. 😀

    1. Hey, the sex was already in the episode, I was just filling in the details!

      Pregnancy would be hilarious if they had an in-game child.

  10. Kirito is MINE! His sword is mine ALONE! Although, I love Asuna…she’s funny XD I just don’t know how to respond to the concept of this fan fiction…

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