This is part 34 of my SAO fanfiction, and you can start from the beginning here.
Kirito and friends continued battling the ice giant. He showed them his cool dance moves, but Kirito was unfazed. In fact, Kirito brimmed with rage. How could the ice king’s sword be larger than Kirito’s? Kirito vowed to slay the ice king.
However, he was a fearsome opponent. As part of his dance routine, he froze the entire party with giant piss emanating from his enormous sword. The party’s death appeared inevitable.
Then Freyja had an idea. “Kirito, bring me my treasure. It’s a golden hammer, about this large. If you find it, I can help you in your fight.”
“That’s a huge hammer,” said Kirito. “But not quite as long as my sword. I’ll see what I can do.”
While the rest of the party looked for the giant hammer, Sinon fought the ice king by herself. She took advantage of her long range attacks by kicking his nose.
In time, Kirito found the hammer. He tossed it to Freyja.
Freyja transformed into a giant man in bondage gear. His mighty hammer was even bigger than the ice king’s. “Finally, I have my manhood back!” shouted Thor.
“Freyja… but… I loved you!” cried Klein. He took a shot of whiskey.
“This is our chance!” said Kirito, as Thor began to fight the ice king. “Everyone attack as hard as you can!”
“Use all your Sword Skills! Now that Thor is here, it’s time to get down and dirty!”
They defeated the ice king.
To finish him off, Thor inserted his giant hammer into the ice king’s head. The ice giant king’s body convulsed with electricity as Thor’s life force coursed through him.
Thor thanked the party for their hard work, and gave a copy of his hammer to Klein.
“The love of my life transforms into a sweaty naked man before my eyes, and then tells me to wave her dick around in battle?” Klein wept. “What’s worse, I don’t have a single point in hammer skills…”
“Oh, Klein…” said Kirito.
“Well, time to get Excaliber back!”
Kirito had just remembered that Excaliber was his sword. He had forged it himself, using a cheat code, in his battle with King Oberon. He wouldn’t let anyone else wield his massive sword.
Kirito went to pull out to pull his sword from the ice. He mounted the platform firmly, gripping the shaft tightly with both hands. He tugged to and fro, his grip slipping over all of the shaft. He needed to generate enough friction for the sword to stiffen, heat up and crack the ice.
“You can do it, Kirito-kun! Make your sword come out!”
“It’s starting to spring up! You’re almost there!”
“Show us your guts! Like you showed me in the cave!”
“You can do it, daddy! It’s just like me and mommy do for you!”
“Kirito-san, you can do it! I’ve done it for your old sword, and my hands are so much smaller!”
“Pull hard, Kirito! Your sword is counting on you!!! This is the battle of men!!!”
Kirito tugged with all his might, and finally, the sword broke free!
The castle fell apart and the party began freefalling towards the ground.
Imouto took advantage of the situation and gave Kirito a hug, carefully measuring the contours of his newly bulging sword with her body. But Kirito had more important matters to concern himself with. Behind Imouto’s back, he subtly managed his menus, checking if he had ownership of the sword. It looked like the quest hadn’t finished yet.
Tonkii came to save the party from falling. They all jumped on his back, except for Klein, whom Kirito pushed into the abyss. Fortunately Tonkii caught him.
“Tonkii, yip yip!”
Kirito was worried that he might not receive the sword from the quest after all. So he tossed it into the abyss after Klein. If there was even a possibility that someone else would get the sword, and have a bigger sword than Kirito, it would be better if the sword didn’t exist at all.
But Sinon caught the sword with her sticky arrow. “What are you doing, Kirito? I was looking forward to some swordplay with your new sword tonight.”
“I… you’re right, Sinon. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll give the sword back. But before that, promise me something.”
“Each time you draw this sword,
remember me in your heart. Even if I’m not by your side to draw it for you.”
“Ok, Sinon. I promise.”
Everyone glared at Kirito. Especially his wife and daughter.
Kirito was annoyed. He kicked Klein in the face.
At that moment, three goddesses appeared to hand out quest rewards. Kirito got to keep his sword.
One of the goddesses was pretty cute. Klein was desperate after the affair with Freyja, so he decided he’d take his chances.
“Cute goddess! Could I have your contact info?”
She laughed and waved goodbye to Klein without saying a word.
Afterwards, they all went to a party in the real world. They were discussing Kirito’s new sword. He’d already practiced swordplay with everyone.
“Have you noticed it’s spelled Excaliber?” asked Sinon. “Normally it’s Excalibur. I’d assumed it was because the creators were Japanese and didn’t know how to spell in English…”
“But the word for the diameter of a gun’s barrel is ‘caliber.'”
“And from that, it came to mean the size of a person’s quality.” She glanced sidelong at Kirito. “And that’s why Kirito is such a catch.”
Continued in Part 35…